the middle continues…

hello friends -
how lovely to find you in this space.

This past year has been a unique one for me, filled in many ways with the experiences of a cancer diagnosis, treatment and recovery. I have been so grateful for the way writing has cultivated an outlet for processing, sharing, and grieving as I walked this particular season.

I am currently living the wide one year anniversary of the first few weeks of diagnosis and treatment. It was in January of last year that I found out for sure the lump was cancerous, and it was in February that I began treatment with my first round of chemo.

As these dates in the calendar approach and pass I wondered what I would feel… and to be completely honest I think there is a large part of me that resists feeling anything at all.

It feels weighty to enter back into even allowing the emotions and memories to rise, and while I have no desire to be dramatic, nor to explore pain just for the sake of it, I do know and remember the truth that the way through is the way forward.

I have continued to have an immunotherapy treatment every three weeks over these last many months since the end of chemo and following surgery. The treatment is called herceptin, and while it is nothing like the implications of chemotherapy, it still packs a small punch of fatigue, discomfort and other manageable side effects that work themselves out over the post-treatment days. It has not been too much, but it’s still been a thing, and my last round is coming up in the next couple of weeks.

I feel aware that something is ready to release. I have been holding on in this finishing stage because I have felt that I had to… and there will be a freedom in finally letting it go as everything comes to a close… And yet, I also wonder in these remembering, feeling, waiting-for-the-end days, if I have also been delaying a fresh learning that God is inviting me towards.

I don’t mean to say that I think I’ve done something wrong, but rather that there is almost always an invitation to wonder about the feelings that come and often especially the ones that are disconcerting or uncomfortable. I also know, with a deep confidence, that there is abundant goodness when I open my hands fully, being honest about the truth of what I’m feeling and experiencing, and let Jesus smack into the middle of it with me.

I have been holding on, but I have also learned this year that I don’t have to. I have been waiting for the end, but I have learned this year that the middle is actually the richest part. I have been longing for release & completion, but truly friends, the fullness of God’s provision, faithfulness and care is present with me now, today, as it has been in each day that has come before.

There are so many layers to our lived experience. And I know that many, many people feel they are just holding on in this pandemic season that just won’t quit.

The beautiful truth that I want to claim for myself again is that in this middle, whatever it may be, there is freedom to feel all the things and there is also the fullness of true peace, rest and purpose there because of Jesus.

We don’t need to hold on, loved ones, we can be held. We don’t need to figure it out or flail in the shifting currents of these nutty days, we can rest & soar in the safety of a Saviour who is for us and with us always.

These verses in Isaiah were ones that came early in the days of waiting for a diagnosis and still ring deeply true and relevant:

The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth.
He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding.
He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.
Even youths will become weak and tired, and young people will fall in exhaustion.
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.

- Isaiah 40:28-31

We are in the middle - but we’re never alone there. As we lift our eyes to Jesus, it is in these middle places that we often see the really real with the most clarity and promise.

We are in the middle - in all its awful, glorious real-ness, and I don’t know about you, but when it comes down to it, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

As part of my own continued middle, I have really felt the invitation from God to continue writing and sharing some of the things that he’s teaching my heart - hence this new online space where we find each other :)
I have been working on some other writing as well and will keep you in the loop as it continues to take shape.

I’m so grateful for the encouragement that many of you have given me in this area - because I’m regular and because we’re made to be in this crazy middle together, your affirmations paired with God’s invitation have been a rich & meaningful gift to my spirit.

Thankful for you friends. Praying that you can open your hands and hearts afresh in this season and trust that Jesus is present in all the parts of your middle as well xo