stay

I have been writing this post in my head for weeks… laying in bed, slowly drifting off to sleep, or early in the morning while the tea gradually awakens with all it’s glorious warmth, in the middle of the night when sleep won’t quite come… and my mind has wandered again and again to the tangled words and thoughts that are waiting to be let out. And there are lots of reasons, some real and some contrived, as to why I kept resisting this process… but none of them are that important as I finally carve out the time to do the work of feeling and listening.

My heart knows these are the thoughts I need to walk through… and even though I have kept away from this space for too long, I am grateful for the way I know Jesus will faithfully meet me in the thoughts and words that flow out.

So maybe these words are more for me than anyone else today… but I’m reminded that is okay also.

I’m really not great with change. (And those who know me best, laugh out loud at that understatement.)

When my phone or computer need to update, the stress, though ridiculous, is real, and I need my husband to put everything back as close as possible to the way it was before so that I can carry on.
When I get my haircut, I almost always cry the next day. I don’t think it’s even because I don’t like it, but just that the change is jarring somehow, and also because I tend to cry in tandem with most big emotions.

It has been a long season of repeated change for many of us. Transitions just keep coming, and we have continued to pivot and pivot, so that we’re basically just pirouetting at this point. For me, the hardest hitting shift in recent months has been people who have moved on - people who have left and shifted for a variety of reasons, but the change and loss that their absence brings is a tangible hole, and certainly an undesirable change.

I don’t think anyone likes to be left behind. And while that is not an accurate description of what has happened, it can feel a bit that way when those around us leave or move beyond the scope of our regular rhythms and connections. My reactive tendencies can be two-fold: first, I bunch up like a little hedgehog, attempting to hide-away, spines out, pretending that the people aren’t really going to go, and that nothing will actually change as long as I stay hidden from reality… you can imagine how helpful this is in the long run…

Another coping tactic is to look for a way to leave myself. If everyone else is going, then maybe I should as well - and there can even be an excitement or energy around what could be different and engaging ‘out there.’ This strategy is double-edged as eventually the possibility of more change, even though it’s fake change, causes it’s own stress… not the best.

Despite this strange emotional roller coaster that I inflict upon myself and my family, the truth is that in this moment, in this time, I have felt the consistent invitation from Jesus to stay.
Not to stay by default, and not to just keep everything the same, but instead to stay with purpose, with intention, and with expectation.

In case it needs to be said, this is in no way a critique, or even a commentary on those who have shifted or moved during this season. There are plenty of good and healthy reasons to transition in life, and I am fully confident that all of my dear friends who have moved recently have been listening well to the invitations from Jesus in their own stories.

Instead, this is my own learning and processing about what it looks like for me to stay well.
And in the musings, I have landed again at a desire to be present and awake to what is in front of me right now.

I want to stay present to relationship.
This is lovely to say, but not always easy to do. The shifts that naturally happen in relationships when people move, or rhythms change and we see less of someone, have an impact on our hearts. We are made to be together, to need others, to rely on those around us. And when change comes in relationships we need to learn to savour the good, feel the hard, and believe that connection and community continue to be the best choice. I have been amazed at how many times in the past few weeks small, simple, meaningful connections with others have been the lift that my spirit needed. God has been reminding me to notice who is near: in my home, my neighbourhood, my community, and to choose to be present in real ways to those relationships.

I want to stay present to possibility.
Sometimes my planning brain thinks it knows where we’re headed, but in actuality I have found that God more often surprises me with unexpected opportunities and new ideas. The loveliest part about this, is that God knows me so completely his invitations to my soul are paired with who he has designed me to be. They are not the same possibilities that someone else has before them, but rather doors and dreams that speak to who I am, and how God has uniquely made me to reflect his heart in the world. I have know doubt that continuing to say yes to the invitations from Jesus is the way I want to live my life and that I can have full confidence in the good purposes that he is working out in me, around me and through me.

And in it all, I want to stay present to Jesus.
He is here. Always present. Faithfully meeting me exactly where I am.
And in his grace he comes alongside the real places and feelings that I find myself in the middle of, and stays with me there long enough for me to remember who he is and who I am. Then with gentle persistence, he invites me to lift my eyes to him again, to turn my focus fully to the things that I know are true because of who he is and what he has done. And this changes everything, afresh. It doesn’t shame, deny, or undo the real things that I’m feeling or experiencing, but it does often reframe them.
It reminds me that I don’t need to live in an either/or world where I am happy or sad, sure or uncertain, ready to move ahead or stuck feeling the pain of the past… I am all these things, and there is space for it all with Jesus.

I can stay here and be loved.
I can stay here and be fully safe to be all the things, even when they don’t make sense together.
I can stay with Jesus, and trust that it will be good.

Oh the change… it will keep coming, and I’m sure I’m also going to keep feeling the things.
But for now, it is here that I will stay.

Praying you also know his peace and presence with you richly, whether you’re coming, going, or staying put in this season xo