manna

There is a lot of baking that happens in our house. Both girls and I all enjoy the process, and everyone enjoys the results. Right now I think we have remains of at least three different baking adventures, including a large amount of birthday cake left from celebrating Charlie’s 12th birthday yesterday.

I’ve been feeling much better this week as I get to rest in between rounds of chemo. Last week there were several rough days as the treatment wrapped up and I experienced the range of effects in my body. The physical pieces of not feeling well plus all the bizarro side effects are not fun, and there was definitely a kind of emotional toll as the days wore on. I was thinking about how much of the next weeks and months will be like this, and it’s a lot to hold and feel. There were several days of staying mostly in bed, and feeling mostly sad.

By Sunday/Monday, so not quite a week post-treatment, I started to feel the return of some life. Some energy, some motivation, some movement and joy all coming back slowly, and we even enjoyed a family outing to a local farm that was a completely lovely day together.

In this space that feels more like life there is room and capacity to think about the days that don’t. I know that it’s okay for there to be this ebb and flow. I’ve talked and shared other times about how our places of need and fragility don’t need to be despised or denied. That they are in fact necessary for us to feel our dependence on God, and they’re an opportunity for us to learn new pieces of who God is and who he has made us to be.

But there is a choice to how we hold and live the days that are hard, the ones that are holed up in bed with covers over our heads. We need not despise them, but I also don’t think we should steep ourselves in what we may be believing there.
And maybe it’s in how we hold the need, how we interact with it. Does it cause us to open our arms wide to express our desperation for God and all that he provides? Or does it in fact curl us in on ourselves with self-pity and isolation. How I pray that my own lack will always move me closer to Jesus, drawing me to lift my face to him with the real things I’m feeling and facing.

There was a prayer in one of the daily readings I use that kicked my butt a bit last week along these lines, it read:

Lord, you are a God who heals and calls forth life. Keep us from the pitfalls of self-pity and despair, lest we ridicule your grace and power, and forsake our own healing. Amen.

Wowzer eh? And don’t misunderstand, friends. This is not about beating myself up for having a few low days. The invitation and reminders that I feel from the Spirit are full of grace and love. They are undeniably for my good, and I feel seen and loved as I take them in from God. He is for me. He is for you. And he knows when and how to speak to us with a love that both comforts and propels.

As the kids have headed back to school this week I’ve had more room to be still with Jesus and listen to what he’s speaking. I’ve been thinking about the daily provision of manna that God gave to the Israelites when they were wandering in the wilderness. This ‘bread of heaven’ that rained down afresh each day; an uber practical provision from God for his people.
And here are the pieces that are ringing out for me:
- this sustenance was given daily - the people of God were instructed to gather what they needed for that day, and that day only, except when they were preparing for the Sabbath or day of rest

We need Jesus every day, every hour in fact. And what we’ve received from him yesterday or the day before will not last for what’s coming today or tomorrow. This isn’t because what Jesus gives is stingy or fleeting, but rather because we’re designed to be in ongoing communion with God. I can know a lot of stuff about Jesus, and even call to mind the ways he has provided before to remind myself, but then I also need to come again, to gather and take in what’s offered specifically for today. Today I need him, and the same will be true tomorrow. This is good. This is the way God intended for it to be.

- the manna was also meant to be engaged with. I don’t know all the details of how it was prepared, but at the very least it needed to be gathered and eaten. The provision is given, it’s there, it’s ready to be received. And we, as the people God loves, must take it in. There is purpose and effort and engagement for us to say yes to. We must choose to receive, to digest, to partake of the life giving sustenance that God is daily pouring out.

Because we like to bake so much, we make sure to always have the basics on hand: flour, sugar, eggs, butter. And the delicious goodness comes when we take those ingredients and put our hands to the work of creating, when we gather around the result and celebrate the beauty of love and life together.

Holy cats. God is so good to us. It’s only been two weeks of this crazy business and I’d be lying if I said I’m excited about it starting again next week… but I am so thankful for all the ways God is teaching, moving, loving and holding us in the midst of it. It is good. It is as God intends it to be.

We had our first appointment at Credit Valley this past week and met the new medical oncologist that will be holding my care. He was lovely and kind, and Nathan and I are both so thankful that we’ll be in Mississauga now for everything moving forward. It was smaller, closer, and just felt settling to be back there.
I’ll head in again on Monday for bloodwork, and then treatment on Tuesday. This round they’ll add in the immunotherapy as well and moving forward each bi-weekly appointment will be a chemo/immunotherapy combo.
They also put in an order for me to get the port put in, so we’re hopeful that will happen in the next couple of weeks as well. I’m looking forward to the ease of the port, though I know the procedure itself will likely eat up a couple of days of resting time too.

Lastly friends, as promised, we have set up a Meal Train for help with some family meals. This is especially helpful on treatment days, which look like they’ll be landing on Tuesdays for now, so that’s what we’re going to start with. Thank you to so many who have asked for this and other ways to be with us.
You can find it here: https://mealtrain.com/v0q9ry

Thank you always to those who are lifting us in prayer regularly, and also to those generously caring for us in other ways too. We are so grateful, and we are feeling held and loved.

Praying you all gather up the gifts of God’s provision for today too, and watch for what comes as you dig in together with the God who calls you beloved.

Blessings friends,
L xo