compare/constrast

hey everyone -
we’re doing okay here today.
yesterday everything went relatively smoothly for my first round of chemo; besides some ever-present traffic when we were trying to get out of the city, things rolled along well.

I have been feeling mostly okay, and then super weird at the same time.
It is bizarre what these cancer-fighting drugs can do to your body.

So for your interest, here’s a little compare and contrast from my last chemo experience:
- a huge bonus that cannot be overstated is that Nathan got to come with me to the whole treatment; when I was diagnosed in 2021 it was in the middle of covid, and Nathan wan’t allowed into the hospital for any appointments through the whole time I had treatment and surgery.
It was a huge gift to have him with me at each step.

- there are definitely different side effects with this chemo-combo: there is a crazy neuropathy impact that’s happening; it seems to be mainly an extreme sensitivity to cold. I can’t wash my hands with cold or even room temperature water, walk on cold floors, drink or eat anything that’s cold - it all feels like awful nerve pain or kind of like a freezing burn.
Super weird, but we’re learning quickly and apparently it shouldn’t last for too many days.

- the nerve pain also extends to my jaw, another bizarro one. Each time I eat, the first few chews on each side are accompanied by a crazy jolt of nerve pain. Then as I keep eating it just abates and goes away. The first time it happened on the way home as we had a snack, it super creeped me out, but now I mostly remember and try to take small, slow bites to start. Exciting times :)

- I feel generally worn out and not good, which is to be expected. But I haven’t had any nausea or vomiting again this time, which I’m so incredibly thankful for.
- Another giant bonus is that to this point no one has referenced the post-chemo injection that caused so much bone pain for me last time… I have also not brought it up and am hoping it’s not a thing this go around.

I’m still receiving the second chemo drug today, and for part of tomorrow. They sent us home with a bottle of it and I’m learning how to cart it around with me. It’s actually the perfect opportunity to wear a sweet fanny pack, which I feel great about.

It also gives the tiniest window into how Amelia functions daily with her insulin pump attached, although she says if they would just add a clip to the chemo bottle it would be way better.

I’ve chopped off my hair in prep for the falling out that will no doubt start in the next few weeks… not a part I’m looking forward to… but all shall be well.

The resting today has been so-so. There’s a lot of body restlessness and general discomfort. But overall, truly, I’m doing pretty well. I’m so thankful that it feels plausible at this point to have this experience on repeat and not totally dread it.


As I was getting ready on Monday and Tuesday morning for the chemo appointment, there were plenty of feelings in every direction. The real thing is that feeling my need, sitting with my very real worries/fears/questions/emotions is never enjoyable… it’s hard, it’s overwhelming, it’s a lot… and I play a back and forth game of distractions/avoidance/feel-a-bit and then recover with a cup of tea and a cozy blanket.

But as always, it is in the feeling of my need that I recognize and make room for the fullness of Jesus with me.
When I am striving to avoid, control, or deny what I’m feeling, I’m also missing out on the chance for my needs to be met. And let me tell you that the way Jesus meets and covers what’s needed is far, far superior to my own meager attempts to manage all this business.

Psalm 121 was coming on repeat on Monday; and I can see and feel how the themes of God’s closeness, protection, and tenderness towards me are carrying me through these days and weeks of fragility and need.

I look up to the mountains - does my help come from there?
My help comes from the Lord, who made heavy and earth…

The Lord himself watches over you! The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade.
The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The Lord keeps you from all harm and watches over your life.
The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever.

The Lord himself. Can you imagine? Can you hold this truth for yourself too?
The gracious, magnificent Creator of all, who is as close as breath. Holding my days, holding my life.

Because of this, it is well. It is well with me.

And a final share for now:
Here’s the song that been hitting these past few days; also reminding of these Psalm 121 promises:
https://youtu.be/DA2cXZHnPyE?si=xm3IxAgMnIFeO-B0

Thank you, thank you friends for your prayers and love.
We are carried. We are held.
Onward we go. xo