returning

a health update to share

Oh dear…
The truth is this is not the sort of return to writing that I was hoping to get around to -
This is not a place, or a way, that I would choose to return to at all -

And even the naming of it, even the words to recognize that this is what is happening are hard and heavy to produce.
That’s the truth - at its core, this return is one that breaks me open a bit.

- Nonetheless, my friends, this is where we are -

And thankfully, thankfully, there is so much goodness mixed in with the awful.
Alongside the heavy and hard, there is also a strength of hope, and peace, and presence that has shored up this space of difficulty.
There is an “and yet…” to this returning that is a deep breath of grace and holding from the One who never leaves us alone for a second.
It is so very hard, there’s no getting around that - but in every piece I am held and cared for by Jesus.
We are so thankful.

For the past six months, or slightly more, I’ve been experiencing a weird combo of symptoms.
It has ranged from discomfort to pain, in a few different parts of my body, and I was trying different things to both manage and treat as it came and went.
In June I had an especially bad bout of pain and decided to head to the ER to see if I could get some effective pain relief. As part of the work-up I had a CT scan, and was referred for some additional follow up. I was also prescribed some pain medication that has helped tremendously in the weeks since then.

There continued to be quite a few questions and tests over the next several weeks, but eventually a doctor from Princess Margaret hospital re-looked at the CT scan. They identified some concerning markers for gastric cancer, and follow-up tests have confirmed that I have stage iv stomach cancer. The stage iv piece means it has spread beyond the stomach at this point as well.

From what we understand right now, this doesn’t appear to be a reoccurrence of my previous breast cancer; instead, it’s a new primary cancer occurring in a different part of the body.
We have begun to meet with oncologists out of Toronto, and are so thankful for the experienced and team-based care that we’re receiving there.

It seems like chemo will be starting in the next couple of weeks. I’m booked it for a PICC line next week and then everyone will be set to get treatment rolling quickly. It’s all strangely familiar, which is actually helpful in a lot of ways.

Most days it still feels surreal; I am feeling fairly okay overall - not awesome :) but it is mostly the same as the last many months, so it seems wild that such an intense diagnosis has come through.
It also feels quite daunting. Because this is a returning to a land of treatment, potential surgery, and many unknowns ahead, I feel pretty overwhelmed if I get too far ahead of myself.

So I have been praying for God to help me stay in step with him, trusting, continuing, and not rushing ahead in either worry or a desire to control.
Several months ago, a mentor of mine shared this reflection, and I have come back to it often in these last few weeks:

For Those Who Have Far to Travel: A Blessing for Epiphany
by Jan Richardson

If you could see the journey whole
you might never undertake it;
might never dare the first step
that propels you from the place you have known
toward the place you know not.

Call it one of the mercies of the road:
that we see it only by stages
as it opens before us,
as it comes into our keeping
step by single step.

There is nothing for it but to go
and by our going take the vows
the pilgrim takes:
to be faithful to the next step;
to rely on more than the map;
to heed the signposts of intuition and dream;
to follow the star that only you will recognize;

to keep an open eye
for the wonders that
attend the path;
to press on
beyond distractions
beyond fatigue
beyond what would
tempt you
from the way.

There are vows
that only you
will know;
the secret promises
for your particular path
and the new ones
you will need to make
when the road
is revealed
by turns
you could not
have foreseen…

The way is unclear, but there is grace in the not knowing everything now too.
And while the whole way forward can’t be seen, there is all the light and guidance we could need as we go. What a wonder.

Returning here is hard; but there is also such a deeply rooted grace and gift to walking again a road that I have been on before.
I know, with full confidence, that the faithfulness of God will meet me here. I know that there will be help and hope, and more than I can ask or imagine as I go. I know that God will walk with me and carry our whole family in all the ways we know we need, and even those we don’t.
We know that though we may sometimes be afraid, ultimately, we have nothing to fear.

So, we have returned… and we’re doing okay :)
We are walking it one step and one day at a time.

Thank you, thank you, for your prayers and love as we carry on forward.
Please know that even if I do not respond to each message individually that we are grateful for your support and your love.
We’ll use this space to share updates and also to coordinate support as we go. So if you’d like to stay updated, please follow along here.

Grateful for you friends. Grateful to walk in step with so many that we love so dearly.

Praying that in whatever you are also holding or walking through, you also know the deep peace and presence of Jesus with you.

Laura xo