narrative

I really love books. I love going to the library, and I get super excited about going to used bookstores. Both magical spots combine my adoration of books with my enjoyment of saving money :)
Unfortunately, in the days of treatment, even the focus of reading feels like an effort that is hard to muster; but, I’m so thankful when the desire to read returns with better-feeling days.

Yesterday I finished reading a long book, just over 700 pages. It was a pretty epic narrative that wove through several generations and periods of history, culminating beautifully with unexpected connections and reflections. Really loved it.
It can be so bittersweet to finish a book that you’re really enjoying; of course, you want to know how it ends, to fully experience the resolution or conclusion, but you also just don’t want it to be over.

I’ve been thinking about how much we learn and think through stories. Our brains want to make connections and have tidy narratives and take-aways from what we’re uncovering, either in print or in life. I think that’s why Jesus taught in parables so often, a tangible and relatable story that teaches a spiritual truth. There’s something concrete to hold onto, and then also a part of the narrative that is beyond the words themselves: a meaning, a knowing, that is deeper than the story, but is still held within the words somehow.

Like Jesus, I think that we’re also storytellers, whether or not we realize it.
And I’ve been thinking about the stories that I tell myself, and those I tell to others.

The thing is, we can tell ourselves stories that aren’t true. And if we keep on replaying them, we’ll begin to believe them, whether or not they accurately reflect what’s happening. These stories that aren’t quite accurate will often be partially based in truth - a piece of a real experience, a real emotion, a real hurt, will inform the story, but then it grows and churns, and if we’re not careful the story can run away on us. A version of things that is more whale-tale than actual fish can be born, and we can begin to take it in as fact despite its distortions.

Fear will try to tell us its story. But it’s not one that is rooted in the full truth.
There are things that it makes sense to be afraid of. And as I’ve learned and said so many times before, the places of darkness, difficulty, lack, don’t need to be shied away from; instead, they are places where we may see ourselves and our story the clearest of all. But we need to make sure we’re listening to the true version of things, and not letting the narrative get away on us.

I want to be conscious of the stories that I’m listening to in my own soul and spirit in this season. In the days that are hard it’s easy to let the edges of a heavier story creep in. I wonder and worry, and the story has so many different endings and outcomes, all weighted with questions, with fears, with deep grief. I wonder about different choices I could have made, different approaches we could take; I wonder if my story will be enough for what those around me need, especially my kiddos and all they’re holding and processing in this chunk of our lives too.

photo credit: Aaron Burden from Unsplash

But as the days of yuck settle out again with each round, I am drawn back to the story that undergirds all these other narratives that race for their turn in my head. I settle back to the deeply-rooted story of truth, of love, of light that I know so well and yet need to be reminded of so regularly. I am drawn to Scripture, reading the familiar stories and marvelling at fresh pieces, vivid reminders, and a deep narrative of promise and hope that my soul needs to read and reread.

The story of Scripture is the best. Seriously. I loved studying different novels and short stories in University. As we’d dig into the words, the layers of what was written, what was being communicated, would become clearer, and it often felt like uncovering a secret treasure. [I’m completely good with how book-nerdy that sounds. I love it too much to mind.] But truly, the beauty of what’s found in the multi-faceted layers of Scripture is so beyond anything else that we can literally keep uncovering it for our whole lives. We sometimes say that Scripture is alive, and it feels like that, like it’s breathing and moving as the Holy Spirit reveals it to us. A story that we’re a part of, a narrative that is finished and resolved, and yet still being lived out: the now and not yet coming together in the middle of our days.

It’s not all awesome, for sure. There are parts of the Bible that are hard and bizarre, and are not part of any story that you’d want to read. And there are parts of our lives, like some of the days and questions I’m walking now, that I wouldn’t mind editing out… But that’s why looking at the overall narrative is so important, and also why it’s good to read and live with Jesus as the focus. He needs to be the beginning, end, and whole middle of the story for it to make any kind of sense.

Here are the Scripture stories I’ve been soaking in this last week -
- Joseph - I’ve been reading a devotional based in the story of Joseph in the Old Testament. Joseph had some rough goes… and a lot of years of waiting before it turned around. I’ve appreciated the perspective and patience of the narrative. It’s not quick. It’s not easy. Nobody would choose this way. And yet, Joseph stays faithful to God’s presence in his life, trusting in him, walking in the way of his faith, and his hopes for better do not disappoint in the end. God works in the midst of his awful situation to not only restore Joseph, but to bless and care for his family as well. It’s good, hard, hopeful stuff.

- Jesus in the boat - There’s more here for another time I think. It’s one I need to keep staying with. But I’ve been thinking about Jesus in the boat with the disciples in the storm. They’ve been hearing all of Jesus’ teaching, traveling with him, knowing him, witnessing miracles… and still when they find themselves in a boat in the middle of a wild storm they oh-so-naturally still freak out completely.
I find that very encouraging :)

Even when we know the stories, even when we know the truth, we still need to live the real pieces of it over and over, letting the narrative weave itself into our lives, letting the story remind us of what is really true.
In the storm, Jesus is there. As we freak out, Jesus is there. He is with us in both power and grace. He knows what we need and he gives it in abundance. Even the wind and waves obey him and all is well.

So, I say let the words and images and analogies and metaphors keep coming; tell me the story again.
I want to keep soaking in the narratives that bring me back to Jesus, over and over and over.
It’s the same story I am often telling here. I don’t really have new things to say exactly :)
But my own soul keeps on needing to hear it, so maybe yours does too?

In terms of a health update, round 4 of 12 has been checked off. It was not great, and now it’s better again.
I am for sure beginning to feel the repeat trauma/anxiety of it all. It’s a challenge to not let the upcoming days of the next round creep into the resting days… but I am continuing to practice being present, being grateful, and am working to listen to the narratives of provision, beauty, and joy that Jesus speaks and sings over my days.

Some of the neuropathy side-effects do seems to be getting a bit worse and weirder. The cold sensitivity is increasing somewhat, and I had more numbness in my hands and feet this time. Our health team had said that one of the chemo drugs can be adjusted as needed if those side effects increase, so we’re going to chat about what’s best before the next go.
My hair is still hanging on, slowing thinning for sure, but I happen to have a lot of hair, so you can’t really notice any difference yet. I’m trying not to worry about it too much, but there’s another repeat trauma there as hair comes out quite freely when it’s washed or brushed.

Mostly friends, some parts are awful, but we’re doing okay in the middle of the not okay.
I am faithfully met and cared for by Jesus, and I am restored to strength and lightness by his grace and love through these better days.

The story continues to be full of both hard and good, as I’m sure it is for many of you. In the middle of it all, right beside me in the boat, there’s Jesus. Hallelujah. What a Saviour he is!
He’s the beginning, end, and the whole middle of what I want my story to be about.

Thank you for your prayers and love in all the ways.
It is so encouraging to hear from people on hard days; it’s always a lift and I’m so grateful.

Blessings to you friends. Praying you’re well and that you take time to listen to the story of your life as Jesus would tell it to you. It’s a good one.

L xo